Useless Nothings and Blondeisms

Living in my head for a long time there's a voice
There's a voice
There's a voice
There's...this voice
Somedays it's telling me to give up on all of this
How could I want all of this?
Do you really need all of this?
All of this?


Unrequited lust in your front seat
Don't you know you were using me?
Don't you know I was using you?
In your front seat
High heels kicking things in
And that voice, he said
Oh, This is wrong
This is wrong
This is
Oh.
You made pretend about the could-have-beens
Would-have-beens
But those tapestries you weave are so translucent
I saw through it all
Saw through it all
Except not really
This little old girl still had a lot of lessons for her head
Awkwardness
I'm drowning in it
The what-could-have-beens
That could-have-been us
Close tight friends like brothers
A steel tight bond ruined by the bends of lust and condusion
Silly silly silly

Unrequited love in my front seat
You want to give your life to me
Give your life to me
Give it all to me
"I cannot tell a lie"
I said to you that day
I enjoyed the wampth of your hand and little more
Such a warm hand
In such a cold time
A cold time
A cold time
My blood ran icy as I celebrated an anniversery of His icy body
In the ground
And you took the reins
Reeled me in
Filling my hollow shell with something warm and futile
Holding the hand of my minstrel
While playing my own flute to please the prince
And my voice said
Oh, this is wrong
This is wrong
This is wrong
This is
Oh, oh
Can't you see
I don't regret
You tried to tether me to something stagnent
And I broke free to save my life

This voice he says
Sometimes he says
Oh, you're dead
You're dead
You're not even here

What kind of a life is a minstrel's for a princess?
I need these finer things
Some may try so hard
But in the end silver is nothing compared to gold

His golden light meeting my eyes in the day
God of the Sun, Prince of Olympus
Get up, silly girl
He pokes me with his grabbing stick
At first the light burned my eyes
Locked so long inside of my Moonlit cave
Living off of regret and betrayel
He offered me apples from the tree of his wisdom
While the tethers of the bard held me down

Selfish, so very selfish
Oh, you are so selfish
My voice he said

But then my sweet prince, he handed me a knife
I cut the ropes and stole away into my moonlight
Running until daybreak
Where sunlight caused Posidon's open arms to glitter


HAHAHAHAHA AND THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT!

So, it's been like almost a year since Dave broke up with me.  These are the things that happened.  I feel bad for hurting someone in the process of my renewal, but in the end I have no regrets because I refuse to allow myself to look back on that as unnecessary things.  LOL although, if I had known things were the way they were between Adam and myself, then some things might be different.  But, how could I know?  We didn't talk regularly on gtalk until April, so there you go.  All you do need to know is: I realized it was concrete, so definate, a week too late, sort of.  But, I couldn't have imagined he'd recropricate, only hoped.  Hoped and hoped and hoped. 

Realizing that you're in love with someone to the extent that I am to Adam takes a lot of time to really come to grips with what that implies.

Two confessions of a drunkard:  1.  I have Bipolar disorder.  I don't matter and I should kill myself.  (Hysterical laughter).  2.  I am so fucking in love with Adam Henson.  I want to marry him and have his aryan babies.  And there you go.

Antibiotics make me depressed.  Comming off of the depression, and not rising up into a mania (knock on wood eh?) I think is what's helping me to write. 

I wish I could begin to really describe how happy I am, despite all of these surface annoyances.  I'm graduating in a few months, always a thing to be celebrated.  I wish it were June so I could try to get some jobs already.  Hopefully Sillicon Valley has a lot of oportunity for someone with a bachelor's in Soc and a love of cats, and to some degree humanity.  Obviously, or else I would not be in the humanities.  

Whenever I try to write about Adam I get too overwhelmed to speak. 

How did I even get into this relationship??????  What kind god was smiling down on me to put me here and now????

Oh, right, I yelled at him for saying it wasn't a relationship.

It's fun to talk about our things to people who don't know me well enough.

Oh, god, wait until you see the ring!
Yes, and the hotel had a fireplace and a HUGE tub! It was so amazing!
Look at how my ipod is engraved! He loves me!
Oh, you have no idea how brilliant he is!  He works for NASA and Google!!!! And he's doing so many projects for both and wants to go into buisness for himself!  He has these amazing ideas!

But, here are some of those things I don't tell the masses of averages (aka fucking idiots) every day.  These are the things that matter more than our nice apartment in a good neighborhood, the way he showers EVERY day and brushes his teeth EVERY DAY, and our sweet ass collection of DVDs and shared interests.

Every time one of us gets of the plane, when we run to each other, we melt into each other.  We just melt.  We always have to be touching.  It's almost like a security blanket thing.  We just feel ok when we touch. For the first time for me I am consistently grounded when I am near him.  My feet always just stay firmly planted  into the earth, and my mind doesn't wander anywhere.  I always compare it to magnets.  When two magnets are near each other their complimentary sides always have to connect.  And when you try to seperate them the pull between the two of them is so strong that it's as if it hurts the magnets to be away from one another.  That's how it is for us.  It hurts.  

One of us can use a term that isn't really a word, or refer to an object or a situation as "the thing with the thing" and the other knows EXACTLY what that means.  And when I can't think of a word, phrase, or what to do in a situation he knows immedately.  I think I do that with him too.  He sees the pictures in my head too, usually.  Except when I suggest an orchid instead of a rose for the men in our wedding party.

Come on, how sexy is that???

A final example of our sense of humor is www.bigraq.com.  I told him to put a pic of my boobs on there, half serious.  But, not only did he do that, he also made the site purple.  Click on the center pic for a surprise or two!!!  It was a very collaborative effort ;D

Ok, I'm spent.  Thanks for letting me get all of that out.  Enjoy your day and potential taco bell!!!!!!!!!


Tatas!! <33333

Talking to Adam had me thinking about how wonderful my mom has been to be for 25 years.  So I emailed her tonight.

Dear Mommy,

Last night I was talking to Adam about how Poppop was there for us growing up when you weren't able to be.  It got me thinking a lot about you, and what you've been through since reaching adulthood.  I feel like after last night I have this whole new, wonderful appreciation for you that I've never had before, which says a lot, considering how much I've always admired you.  I just can't imagine what it was like to basically be guilted into a marriage you didn't feel secure with at 19 and then to lose your mother two years later.  I really can understand now how devistating it must have been to find out you were pregnant only a year after Momma's death.  23 is just way too young to have a baby, and I know that swam through your head for 9 + months at that time.  I know Daddy was helpful with me, but not as much as Poppop and Mommom.  I can't imagine the greif you faced after Mommom died, because it was almost like losing a mother a second time.  I have to wonder how well things were going between you and daddy when you decided to have another baby.  But by the time the boys came along, daddy seemed to be done comptely with responcability, and that left you shouldering most of the weight with Poppop helping out where he could.  All this time you were struggling so hard with your depression.  I just admire you so much for trying so hard to make life so easy for us while you just wanted the pain to end, to go away forever.  I know seeing us fight all the time was hard.  You were so overwhelmed for those years and it's just amazing that you made it out of there, let alone the three of us turning out drug free and stable as we are.

I've said it before, I'll say it again - I am SO glad you left daddy.  I think that's the kindest and most beneficial thing you've ever done for our whole family.  I think the only person who matters who didn't benefit much from it was Poppop.  I know how much you two loved each other and it must have been hard for him to lose the only other adult in the house.  Still, it did get 3 screaming, fighting kids away so he got some peace and quiet, and that was good for him.  It took so much courage for you to leave him.  You did the right thing.  All 3 of us agree with that.  I hope you never have any doubts about that again. 

I just think about everything that you've been through and the person you were forced to become in order to provide for and keep your family stable.  I'm just so amazed.  You're such an amazing person and it really means a lot that you've sacrificed so much for us.  Poppop did a lot, he did SO much to keep us stable when you weren't able to.  But, no one could have ever showed any of us so much introspection and emotional intimacy as you have.  I don't know many people who could be open with either of their parents like I can be with you.  Ever since I was tiny I always felt safe telling you anything and everything.  I remember the three times I'd lied after being forced to face the wall for spilling coke and using good towels to clean it up; taking the dog with Mary to walk to those apartments, ...something else stupid like that..., and then sleeping with Brian.  Okay, so maybe I only remember two things... but I think there were three.  I felt so ashamed for lying that I kept those secrets for years.  I wasn't even upset about the acts I'd done, but because I'd lied.  It's just because I always felt like I could tell you anything, so why did I have to lie?  You've made me the honest person that I am today, and I will never forget that or stop thanking you for it.  I've always been able to have so much fun around you.  You're one of my favorite shopping buddies.  I don't have many of them because no one understands the art of shopping as well as you and I do.  (I learned from a pro!) You also taught me how to look inside of myself and discover who I am as a person and how I can improve myself.  I've spent my whole life constantly examining and reexamining myself, and I think it's one of the greatest gifts a parent could ever give her child.  I love knowing who I am, it's so wonderful.  There's this depth to me that so few people can understand, and it's how I've been able to maintain such loyal relationships with wonderful people like Adam and Stefanie.  It seperates me from all of the idiots out there and puts me on such a higher level.

I guess I just really want to tell you how much I love and admire you.  I'm really so honored and glad that out of everyone in the world that you're my mom.  You're one of the most understanding and compassionate people that I've ever met.  I know you get overwhelmed with me and my various mental instabilities, but it means so much that you can be so empathic and patient with me.  I'm also so glad that you were patient and gentle enough to hold my hand for all those years when I lacked the compacity to take care of myself on my own.  I really have to give you so much credit for my turning into the confident, intelligent, self aware, independent, awesome person that I am today. 

I love you very very very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I scrawled something furiously on a parts ticket today.  For some reason the paper we use has a white, yellow, and pink copy.  We throw out the pink copy.  BUT I RECYCLED BECAUSE...



...

I am the beard guy.

Life is good.  I miss Adam.  That was by far the most amazing experience of my life.  I can't believe I'm so lucky that every day will feel like that.  I miss our crappy waffles and army of Seaking(s).  $13 champagne = FTW.

My legs, they are so hairy.  And my arms burn.  They were purple on Saturday.  My suffering, of course, only made his penis harder.  Which is fine; it's the only way I can get off.

Anyway, random doodling lead to this streaming BAEG OF CREAP.

BTW - it rained off and on a lot today.  So, fyi about the first line.  I know, this shit needs explanations.  Let me next educate you on sentance structure and potatoes as tubers instead of vegetables.  Ohhh yes.

The rain never stops while he's away
Fumbling with my keys
The darkness settles in
The creatures of the night begin their necessary repetitions
I find myself in a cold doorway
Coughing and kicking my way in
Fingers too moist to turn the key
He hides somewhere in my mind
Always speaking in hushed tones
Promising to find a way out of my clouded brain
Half a decade in the illuminated darkness
Knowing what I'm missing and it's just out of reach
The allur of a dark man pulling me down to what I thought was normal
He locked me in a mountain cage while I pined away seeking his acceptance
Great dark muse pushed me down to the center of the Earth
Sweet creatures of the night licking my wounds in time for me to see the glow of his golden arrow
I crawled until the sunlight burned my skin and the sunfish led me to the sea
Six more months and we found ourselves with the driftwood and the white sands
With our army of tuber fed water fowl and sealions we were impervious to the elements
I bathed in his light and eyes that made puddles of the pacific and moons of the planets
Finally at peace my mind went quiet and my soul stilled
The darkness in my conciousness dissolved into flecks of Nirvana and I knew all there ever was
Now back in the rain I stand restless and yearning for his perfection
Coughing in the darkness I notice his light spilling onto a path I can't quite see
But walk towards in confident blindness

Yeah, see, kinda lame.  But, hey, fuck you.  My sunburn hurts.  And I need some more sex.  And my legs are hairy.  And I need some more sex.

Dave keeps iming me.  I'm not going to read it.  He'll get his ring back, but on my terms.  Not his.  I don't have the energy for it right now.  So he can wait, just like I had to wait for my purse.  He can't tell me what to do anymore, or ever again.  And other such self realizations that I had in the spring.




YEAAAAAAAAAA SAVIN THE DAY!!!!

MY PENIS

WTF WAS THIS??? DID ADAM MAKE THIS??? POTS AND PANS IS DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!!

MY PENIS

"So, 8 months and two 3 month long sinus infections later, what have we learned??

Prolonged antibiotics mess with Trish's mood. 3 doses of Augmentin make Trish manic, 3 days before she goes on vacation. Adam's done a lot of research and when I emailed him bitching about it he said he saw that antibiotics can mess with hormones. This explains why I can't stop eating and the 2 hour long crying jag because I didn't have enough energy to get off the floor the other night.


I've come to really appreciate the delicate balance that is my chemical system. And not appreciate in a "aww that's neat!" way, more in like a "don't run up to the tiger and hug it because it will maul you" kind of way. I'm really sick of it. It makes me feel less than human. I'm slowly learning to trust and open up to Adam about stuff related to my health stuff, but it's so fucking hard. For months I had to condition myself to not trust anyone, especially people who wanted romantic involvement. Have a promised marriage terminated because you have chronic, albeit well maintained, health issues will make ANYONE really paranoid. But, as time goes on I'm getting more comfortable with tearing down walls I worked so hard to put up. It's just difficult, having to consciously decondition myself. It's a process, as much as everything I went through this spring was a process. A process that began with "I've lost respect for you" from someone I didn't think had any respect for me in the first place.

I feel bad that I have to put him through that. Like he has to prove himself when he's not the one who ripped away my humanity in the first place. He's never had to prove himself to me. But, he's also always been a total saint and is handling this in the best way possible, just being patient with me. I've made a lot of progress in a short time, and I know soon it'll all be moot. I also know that after Wednesday everything is going to change like crazy. I've never felt so connected to anyone the way I always have with him, even before we started speaking. His posts on athf.com were always just so brilliant. Now I'm going to carry his babies in my lady vag and then birth them for the BBQ. Good times.

I just REALLY hope I'm better by Wednesday. I'm going to crazy sleep in tomorrow.

But, yeah, that's what's up with me as of late. A great relationship, not so great sinuses, and CATS CATS CATS!!!!!!!"


Yeah... and also... Update.

I'm going to see Adam for the first time EVAR on Wednesday, which is HIS HAPPY PRINCESS BIRTHDAY!  I'm really glad we got our whole "I'M MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU" confession out of the way in June.  It'll make things less awkward for us in <3 days.  I've never felt the way I feel for anyone remotely near the way I feel for Adam.  I love having someone on the same vibrational level with me. 

My flax is mellowing me out.  I'm doing well aside from this god damned 3 month sinus infection.

Who reads this anyone?? NO1. LOLOLOLOL

Merry Adamakuh!!!!!!

So, I started the day stalking Ashley, then I realized Mike also has one of these!  BWAHAHA!!!!  Ya'all gwon get raped!  Starting with Sean.  But don't thin you guys can run from me.  Just close your eyes and let the good feelings roll. 


If you didn't know, that is when I turn 30 and will not be pregnant and married. 

My stomach hurts again.  When I eat.  I had two days of good eating in two weeks, I can't complain too much.  Can I? 

Manic.  Not as bad as I could be, but still.  Not sleeping or eating for two weeks will do this.  The not sleeping is because I'm not strict enough, honestly.  However, not eating, there's a physical reason for that.  I feel sick when I eat.  My stomach hurts so bad.  BRB Turning into Kurt Cobain.

And then we revert back to this is why I'm not really a person at all, rather than some experiment gone wrong.  Please propose marriage to me and plan a life with me for five years, break up with me for the above reason and feel really stupid when I move on.

The idea of not having children still really screws with my sexuality and how I can possibly identify myself as a woman.  But, I've come to the following conclusion:  How old am I?  Not 25 even?? I'm not ready for kids anyway, so whatever.  I can entertain this stupid girlish notion of having babies and being a wife and a mother and counseling/non-profit  extrodinaire all I want!  It doesn't matter atm! 

I've concluded it's done with Dave, forever.  At first I was all "it just can't work with us.  It just can't."  Why can't it?  It just can't is all, just like what I said.  Oh, ok then? 

Then I was talking to that more competent, larger picture, has a penis and no boobs version of myself.  I said I'm sooooooooo happy to be talking to him again, and I missed him like crazy.  It's something I can't explain to other people.  I'm going out to "the bay area" on the opposite side of the Oosah (USA USA USA - MEATWAD GET OUT OF THE MICROWAVE) as a graduation gift to myself next summer.  (As opposed to the bay area a half hour from my house which is so bitchin).   I'm kind of scared though, because god knows what kinds of ESP and telekenisis will be going on.  Cars will randomly explode.  Satelites will fall from the heaven.  Booze will float to us in hoards.  That last part will be me being conscience of it.  Every tv in a 100 mile radius imploding will be because Adam will facepalm THAT HARD over my booze trick.  You still don't get it, I know you don't.  It's ok. 

I digress.

So, I'm talking to water brother and saying how happy I am to have him back in my life, and how Dave breaking up with me is actually the best thing that's ever happened to me because of how much I've changed, who I've become, and how I now know what I want in my life.  He promised to kick my ass if I'm ever in another situation like that again.  He says he can be very IN YA FACEEE now.  I believe it.  I told him it's one of the many changes he's made that I'm so proud of.  **Tear** etc... Is tear spelled like that?  That looks odd. 

Then he said that it's similar to when we first met because Dave and I are still talking.  And in less than a second I began to type the reply, "Yeah, but the difference between then and now is that I don't ever want to be with him again, ever."  That was pretty powerful, not only to think, but to say.  E-Outloud.  By writing it I have the log forever, somewhere,in my gmail. 

Progress.  I makes it.

Ugh.  I had a sub from quizznos and I have to poop so badly.  But they're remodeling my office and there's a huge hole in the wall, so I'm scared to go. 

Of course, no one seems to believe me that I don't want to be with him ever again.  Adam has some faith in me, and that's a start.  Jacob has none.  And that makes me a sad panda.  But then I'm like OHHHH PANDAS!!!!!!!!

I feel bad for Dave, because I know he misses me.  It's kind of weird because he ims me while I'm at Sean's and I'm all facepalm.jpg! I think it upset Sean a tad.  But, hopefully soon he'll see that just because I care about Dave doesn't mean anything more can come from that.  Because I have this BF who is Irish AND Nerdy - mmmmm my two favorite things.  (The email I sent Sean on myspace... he thought I was spam!  Well, I mean I am but, stfu that's not important.)  My BF is soooo awesomes and likes to give me comic books to read even though he knows I only read on the toilet.  Sean should meet him.  My BF is a pretty cool guy and eh doesn't afraid of anything.   Cept anal rape.  And, who doesn't afraid of anal rape??? No one.  No one doesn't not afraid of anal rape.  He also knows that Closer is a love song.  <333  I less than three him!!

Dave has been talking to me some in the past couple of days.  Not much.  It still hurts.  I feel bad that he hurts, I really do. He's doing great at work as a result of not having me and then me moving on, however! 

I'm probably done writing.  Poetry coming maybe someday.  Like anyone ever reads this shit, huh??? :P

PS:  My wiki on the adultswimcentral.com wiki!!!!!
http://www.adultswimcentral.com/wiki/Trish

HAWT

Apparently - NOT NOW.

1-Why you haven't found the love you want: Death

This is very fitting. You went through a BIG change, very abrupt. It was harsh, you've done a complete 180. You are still adapting to this new change, and it could take a while.

2-How to overcome the issues raised by card 1: Five of Pentacles

You feel like you are lacking in everything, good health, love, perhaps money...the change that Death brought on has made you feel incomplete, and I believe this is mainly due to the reasons Dave gave you for breaking up with you. You feel like you can never be the best because of your health problems, you feel you are nothing but trouble and that no one will be able to "put up" with you. The only way to move through the change of Death is to accept. Accept that Dave's reasons will not hold true for everyone else, accept that you may be dwelling on the wrong things and not improving them. This is an insecurity Dave has planted in you and you must nip it at the bud before you can truly move on. You are holding yourself back.

3-Positive action you need to take: Four of Wands

Also very fitting, this is telling you it's time to go out and celebrate life. Celebrate the fact you are alive, really focus on all the positive things in your life and celebrate them. Small victories are still victories. Right now you should embrace the freedom of single life.

4-Who your next relationship will be: Nine of Pentacles

This card is all about self reliance. Listening to my inner voice here...I have to say that I don't think you will have a relationship soon. I think once you get into the rhythm of the Four of Wands, you're going to become an independent single woman who enjoys life and takes from it's pleasures as she pleases. You will become more disciplined and have more self control, and I don't think you'll be too eager to enter a relationship with your new found independence.

5-What are the circumstances around your relationship or how you will meet: The Wheel

I am still seeing how this is relating to card 4. The Wheel is all about change and good fortune. This is a turning point for you, and I think this card in this position is saying that you will find a change in that you are happy being single. However, there is a chance this could mean that you may meet someone while you are celebrating the single life.

6-Why this relationship will be good for you: Seven of Pentacles

Well, I must say, all these cards really are relating to you choosing to be single. "Relationship" in this card is the decision to be single. This card is a card of resting. You will reflect on what you have learned from living the single life, what is has been like to not be tied down. You will probably compare the Trish from the past in a relationship to the Trish who is living up the single life. You will gain a lot of insight on what you want out of life.

7-When this relationship will begin: The Hanged Man

This has already begun, but I feel it will not really sink into your head for another month or so.
You entered the position of the Hanged Man when you had the revelation that things will never work out between you and Dave.
The Hanged Man is all about letting go, because when you let everything go, you gain greater knowledge. The Hanged Man is bound, blindfolded and upside down, and on my card, and Phoenix is carrying him high above the land. He must be scared, he has no idea far up he is, he is bound so he can't even take the blindfold off if he wanted to, all he can do is get used to the suspension, listen to the whoosh of air and think, not act. As you can imagine, this guy must have a shitload of time to think about what's really in his heart, to really listen to his intuition or what his gut is telling him.
You have already been doing this and you've made a world of progress, but then you doubt yourself and it all comes tumbling down. Be quiet and be still and listen to what your gut is telling you, not what you want to hear, but what you know deep down in your heart of hearts and soul of souls what is really true.


Just gonna be me and the Doc Johnson for a while, I suppose.  Oh and Richard.  I go on the best dates with him anyway :D 

Sooo sad.  :\

But, this was actually really empowering to hear.  Last night I said to Mike that I know it could never work out, but I miss him SOOO much.  He said the knowing it can't work out is a step forward, but missing him is two steps back.  I'm so glad he told me what's on his mind in that respect. 

Time to try to stop procrastinating a paper that will only take me like two hours max!  LOLOL stop procrastinating... LOLOL!!! :|

:D

<@Trishie> i need to find someone i can be friends with first
<@Trishie> that's what matt said
<@Squee> Your brother?
<@Trishie> i know it's stupid, but i just want to be so close to someone and we're head over heels in love and too afraid to admit it
<@Trishie> and one day he just kissed the fuck out of me
<@Squee> YES
<@Trishie> yeah, my brother
<@Squee> That I know what you mean
<@Squee> srsly
<@Trishie> like one day i'm feeling crappy and he just can't contain it anymore
<@Trishie> that's sort of what happened with dave and me, except he was the one crying
<@Trishie> because he didn't want to leave
<@Trishie> and i just started kissing his face and then i kissed his mouth and he put his tongue in and i pulled back thinking "wait wtf? OHHHHH"
<@Trishie> i want to call him and tell him how much i miss him
<@Trishie> god i have a fucking problem!
* @Squee hugs
<@Squee> Everyone's problem is that they don't have enough of Squee's pie and meatloaf in their life
<@Trishie> it's true
<@Trishie> i need some meatloaf
<@Trishie> i can't stop crying
<@Squee> :x
<@PhilKenSebben> "you know mike, you are not disgusting or creepy and have good hygiene, lets have teh dates" - someday.
<@Trishie> like meatload with ketchup baked into the crust
<@Trishie> ohhh mike
* @Squee got an image of Trish crying and me shoveling meatloaf and mashed potatoes into her mouth saying it'll be alright
<@Trishie> no one thinks you're creepy or disgusting
<@Trishie> LOLOLOLOL
* @Squee shovels meatloaf and mashed potatoes into Mike's mouth
<@Squee> There, there
<@Squee> You are not creepy or disgusting. You have shiny hair
<@PhilKenSebben> uhh, thanks
<@Squee> You don't liek my meat and potatoes?!!?!?
<@PhilKenSebben> i actually meant that as more of a sigh
* @Squee pats
<@PhilKenSebben> time to look up the boobies on the internets.
<@Trishie> lol aww mike i love you
<@Trishie> you're so cute

"I stopped crying but now I just fucking want meatloaf.   God dammit.

I'll not say what I'm crying about.  It's far too complex and pointless to fill anyone's minds with.  I just... miss being in love with someone who is in love with me.  And I was supposed to get married in about 4 months.  And it's going to be so god damned long before something that perfect ever happens again.  Except when it does it'll be real and not something that can so easily be tossed out.  And then I said too much and shot myself in the foot. 

God I can't fucking believe I'm almost 25 and am no closer to making babies than I ever was.  Not that I should make babies anyway, except in a test tube where they can isolate and remove the bipolar gene.  But, still, you get it."

From myspace.

In reality it's - OH DEAR GOD TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK I CAN'T FUCKING LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!

It just really hurts when you realize it can never work out.  And then you think "did I waste 5 years? 9 years?"  I don't know.  I mean it's really a yes and no situation.  I needed to learn what I needed to learn, and I needed to eliminate any "what-if's", but is all of this heart break necessary?  Even when we were together I was just heart broken because he never appreciated me.  And who knows, maybe I'm too much work for anyone.  Jacob called me high-maintenance.  But then he told me there is someone out there who would cats +++ dog jinglebells forever with me.  I hope so.  I really hope so.  He's really sweet, but you never heard that from me.  As far as you know, Jacob's heart is as black as coal and as cold as Pluto, which is no longer a planet which is UTTER bullshit.

And... to kill a few more precious minutes before starting my paper, here is an analogy of the type of man I need to go for in the form of Disney movies:

I used to go for the Beast - he's passionate and sexy, awesome in bed, but he's also moody and really mean.  His job is unstable because he can't rule over a kingdom as a beast.  He calls you a bitch on your birthday and doesn't understand why it still hurts you a year later.  The Beast smashes shit in his own house when you're like "Hey whoa what's in the West Wing?" but then he's also very protective of you and saves you from wolves by beating the crap out of them.  He does not want babies.

However, as much as I love Bell's intellect and free spirit, I have always seen myself as more of an Ariel.  Her story is about sacrificing herself for the ones that she loves.  So hence:

The man I need is Prince Eric - Witty, cynical, intelligent, caring, kind, full of love, good stable job, has money so that he can provide for his mermaid, will do anything to save her, even fighting a giant octopus witch, and loves her every bit as much as she loves him and always always ALWAYS shows her how much he values her existance in his life.  He sees her as an equal instead of just some mermaid he has to take care of.  But he also has the patience to deal with her mermaid ways and help her through the struggles of being human.  And they make test tube babies and remove the mermaid genes.  Prince Eric really wants babies, as can be seen in the Little Mermaid II - It Would Be Plagerism if we hadn't Stolen It From Ourselves. 

**Sigh**

Okay... probably time for me to work on my TWO FUCKING PAGE ESSAY THAT I CAN'T START FOR WHATEVER REASON.  Tatas!

God, I don't ever want to go this shit again.  I wish the next person I become involved with will be the one.  But then I was convinced Dave was the one.  I can't fucking deal with this anymore.  I'm tired of being fucking hung up on.  We're not fucking together anymore so you can stop treating me like shit at any time, thanks.  It's petty and you make a big deal out of nothing.  If you had any respect for me the decent thing you could do is to see that I really fucking care about and love you and to stop being so fucking defensive over everything.

Cannady said I should just stop talking to him.  Much easier said than done, however.  I don't want him out of my life.  I just want him to respect me and treat me like a human being instead of a doormat.  Is this asking for too much?  Ummm no.

I had nightmares all morning and then when I fell asleep on the couch they continued.  It was like a horrible movie. 

Hopefully Cannady and I will have fun watching Grindhouse if it even happens.  We've been having bad luck in the hanging out dept.  It really sucks because he's someone I really click with pretty well.  I think we get into similar relationships so we have a good understanding of one another.  And his writing/music is amazing :)

I feel like every time Dave hangs up on me something good in me dies. 

I feel this ache, but it's not totally physical.  Rather, it's emotional that transformed into physical. 
I just want someone to hold. 
I want all things that are included in that.  I want to love and be loved and for everything to be mutual and beautiful and candles and flowers and more flowers and I just really want to feel like I'll never be taken for granted.
Like he knows how lucky he is. 
Like he takes every second of our lives together as something seriously precious. 
But, who is he? 
He's not even real, not right now, maybe not ever. 
I just want an unsuppressable fire that spreads and grows and never deminishes and gets stronger with each passing day until we're both dead and gone and buried and burned.
It's no use
Just to sigh and sigh
Hyperventilating this loneliness away
Now I'm alone and in this silence I know
There's no one to take me for granted
Because, there's no one here

So, thus, what I really must decide is that life is better this way.  "If I must be lonely I think I'd rather be alone," and all that jazz.  I need to figure out this qwirky blonde and why she makes the same delicious mistakes over and over again.  Are the good boys as much fun to play with as the bad boys?  I need  to find out.  Bad boys are so much fun, but you can only break their legs so many times before they grow wings and fly away.  Leaving me alone in this spinning chair with hopes of imaginary children that I should never bare.  I want a nice boy, a good boy, a smart boy, a successful boy, with a cynical streak and an adventurous libido.  Animals and babies are a must.  He's close enough to my age that we share all the same po-pculture rerferences.  And every day he goes out of his way to let me know what I'm worth to him, and I'm worth a lot.  And he NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR calls me a bitch, especially not more than twice on my BIRTHDAY.  When he drinks he knows his limits.  He doesn't want drugs.  He understands bipolar and all of its implications and keeps me upright on the tightrope, right behind me always balanced.  He never says things to hurt me and sees me as an equal, even if I'm a few IQ points behind him.  He takes my advice to heart and gives me the same thoughtful advice in return.  He cooks and I do our laundry and we split the house cleaning (but he always gives me the bathroom because it's my favorite part.)  He's rich and the sex is just great.  Best of our lives.  And every passionate wonderment he feels for me I feel for him. 

I want to meet this boy, if he's real.  I want to meet him and start our lives together and adopt a dog that Isis gets along with.  I want to throw my arms around him and know that it's forever.  I want it so badly.  But, just not right now.  Right now he's just a figment of my over-active and over-idealistic imagination.  Right now it's just this blonde by herself with her disturbed black cat and 25 year old teddy bear.  Busting ass for a decent GPA and wishing to graduate Cum Loude so she could "cum loud."  It's impossible.  Fucking soc theory.

The blonde has to pee now because the coffee that forced this incoherant rant is going right through her!!!!!!!

But - Trish likes her coffee like she likes her men - strong, sweet, and full of cream!!!!!!!
  

I really lack the energy to go into it, but I'll just put it down so it becomes concerete...

So, it really hit me today that it's offically, finally, totally, completely, utterly over.  We're just not right for each other.  At all.  I'd had a whole thing that I said to Richard and Andrea last night, then I spend an hour on the phone with him bullshitting and I just melted.  But, he's just not right for me.  Last night Richard first said, "Can I tell you something?"
Me: Ok...
Richard:  I never thought he was good enough for you.
Me: You know who else said those exact words?? Brianne.

That really sunk into me.  Like, I just put up with so much from him.  Mood swings and the like.  Calling me a bitch on my birthday - TWICE - is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.  Drunk or not.  It was uncalled for, especially considering the scene he was making, in front of my closest IRL friends and Richard's neighborhood.  That, calling me a slut for two hours when I was 17, and leaving me for having bipolar are three things that will never, ever leave me.

Then Richard told me that I'm the ideal kind of girlfriend because of everything that I put up with everything and I go out of my way to make my partner happy and comfortable.  I was so choked up when he said that.  The me a few years ago would have denied this, but shit, it's fucking true. 

I'd say whoever gets me next will be so fucking lucky, but I dunno.  Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever.  I hope not, but I just feel like it's going to be so hard falling in love again.  And I don't want to date around a lot.  I hate breakups.  I think that's part of why I stay in these abusive relationships.  I just really hate change, even good change.

But, on the plus side, I'm not even going to try to look for a relationship or even some forgettable mess-arounds for quite some time.  I need to be single for many, many moons.  I'm taking this really seriously.  This is probably the most important internal change that I'm ever going to make, so it's going to be done with a lot of care and anal retention.  I'm also going to make a list of everything that I want in a partner.  A kind of contract with myself.  My mom made one and a few months later met Mike :D

I also really miss Poppop, sooo much.  I keep thinking about the Carebear (Goodluckbear) card I gave him for St.Patrick's day last year.  He LOVED that card.  It had a Carebear and it was from me.  It meant so much to him that he has me hang it on the wall.  It just hurts so much, because that's pretty much all he had.  He couldn't hear the tv towards the end.  He couldn't see right without his glasses.  God, I know he felt so alone.  I tried my best, I really really did, but I pretty much only saw him once a week.  I hate that he had to go through that.  I miss him so fucking much.  I can't believe it's been 11 months and a day.  It never hurts any less.  It just becomes slightly more believeable over time.

Oh and, one more thing - Tomorrow is period day.  HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Soon I will feel slightly stable once this horrible PMS is over!!!!!

And fun news - Stef and I are going to get piss silly drunk over the phone tomorrow.  Because we don't have any real friends near us and we live 3 hours away.  I miss my Steffie :(  I really hope she moved to Northern VA soon.  Because A) Caleb will be making more money!!!! And B) STEFANIE WILL BE LIKE AN HOUR OR 2 AWAY AND I CAN GO SEE HER LIKE ONCE A MONTH AND WE WILL DRINK AND I WILL SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO THE KIDS!!!!!!!!

An example of something I told Benny about running into the street:  I said if he runs into the street a car will hit him and make him flat like a pancake and the crows will eat him.  We laughed so fucking hard as Benny didn't get it.  "Pancakes, Trish?"  "Yes, Benny.  The crows will eat you."

Some nameless jerk said he might call me today.  (IE: In girl, especially Trish, this means my phone was supposed to ring hours ago.  Kinda like Stef saying she probably can't see me when goes to buy her car and she didn't call until she got way past DC on her way home.  I was so bummed that we didn't get to have dinner, because obvs, "probably not" = "I SUPER SUPER PROMISE!!!!")  He hasn't.  I will beat him with my Volvonium that I aquired from Sweeden.  Volvonium is the hardest substance known to man, even diamonds.  And then I'll cook his Seaking (FUCK YEAH!) and make him watch me and my Mudkips eat it.  Except I think he's a better cook than I am?  So like he'd have to cook it.  Making my victory all the sweeter.  Ass.

I have to go look at Stef's cat picture and continue to die from Dysentery.

OH OH OH BUT I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL DYSENTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is three pages in Word.  I had to go through and space every line.  You'd better enjoy it!!!!!!

TrishieGO AWAY! BATIN!

13:28Jacob'batin

13:28Trishie  you need to watch idiocracy bj

13:28Trishieyou'll understand all of our new memes

13:28JacobGo away, Bateman.

13:29Trishiemmmmmmmm

13:29Trishiemy biceps are getting huge!

13:30JacobMust be from all that 'batin.

13:30JPizzathen that would just be bicep

13:30Jacobhah13:31Trishienot if you use both hands

13:31JacobShe's self-conscious, so she'd alternate arms.

13:31TrishieLOLOLOLOL

13:31Trishiegirls have harder work

13:31Trishiethat's why we get machines

13:31TrishieMASTURBATION IS NORMAL

13:31 Jacob somehow managed to lead himself right into this one

13:31Trishieyou guys... i think i'm bleeding... DOWN THERE.

13:32Trishieyep. ya did.

13:32Jacobx_x

13:32JPizzai've always wondered

13:32 Trishie luvs on Jacon's turkey sausage and mozzarella balls

13:32JPizzawhen women masturbate

13:32Trishiemmm maple syrup sausage stick

13:32JPizzaand their hand gets tired

13:32JPizzato they grab anything in the room and finish?

13:32JPizzado*

13:32Trishieew

13:33Trishiethat's disgusting

13:33Trishieand unsanitary

13:33Jacobhaha

13:33Trishiewhen your hands get tired to you grab anything in the room to finish>

13:33 Jacob wishes he wasn't old enough for this discussion

13:33Trishie"AH! A BOOK TO FUCK!"

13:33Trishie"does it make me gay if this book is moby dick???"

13:33JPizzai was thinking more along the lines of tv remotes

13:33Trishieum

13:34Trishieya know, the vagina is elastic, but it's not square.

13:34JPizzaand the bottom of chairs

13:34Jacobhahahaha

13:34JacobXD

13:34JPizzastick it in sideways, come on

13:34JacobBottom of a chair

13:34Jacobhahahaha

13:34Trishiewhat???

13:34Jacoboh man

13:34Trishiewhat kind of remote do you have???

13:35Trishiewhile the buttons may add to *her pleasure* i highly doubt fucking a remote would be enjoyable

13:35JPizzaobviously one that's shaped like a penis

13:35Trishiedoes it vibrate too>

13:35JPizzaor at least has the right dimensions

13:35Trishieyeah... you know wh vibraitors are made of sillicone?

13:35Trishiebecause something that hard would fucking hurt

13:35JPizzadoes it have to vibrate?

13:36Trishieit's preferable.

13:36JPizzai mean, penises dont vibrate on their own

13:36Trishieand that's why they don't do the job right

13:36JPizzathough i suppose a surgeon could put a vibrator in there

13:37Trishiethen you're in business

13:37Trishieevery woman that meets you will sleep with you

13:37Trishieif you're like "hey baby, ever fucked a vibrating cock?"

13:37Trishieuntil you become an overwhelmed sex machine

13:37Trishieand cry

13:37Trishie"CAN'T YOU JUST HOLD ME FOR A FEW MINUTES???"

13:37Trishie"no. now get hard and jiggly again!"

13:37JPizzahow would you turn it on and off?

13:37Trishie"OHH GOD!!!!!!"

13:38Trishiemaybe a switch in your prostate?

13:38JPizzawhat if the switch broke and wouldnt turn off

13:38JPizzayou'd have to wait for the batteries to drain

13:38Trishiethen i;d be at your house

13:38Trishiebatteries??

13:38JPizzathat would be awkward at work

13:38Trishieno, it runs off of your blood flow to the penis

13:38JPizzahow else would you power it

13:38Trishieevery time you get hard the blood flow stimulates the vibrating mechanism

13:39JPizzaok jules vern

13:40JPizzai think a pacemaker battery would be satisfactory

13:40JPizzai should patent this shit

13:41Trishiehell yeah

13:41TonicBHwhat the hell

13:41Trishiebut it only turns on when there's blood flow causing an errection

13:41Trishiethat way no crazyness when you're trying to pee

13:41TonicBHa vibrating dick

13:41Trishieyes

13:41Trishieit's a most def do want.

13:41TonicBHbut some dudes get morning wood and have the urge to pee

13:41JPizzawelcome to the internet

13:42Trishiethat's why there's the on/off mechanism in the prostate

13:43TonicBHwhat's wrong with a non-vibrating dick

13:43JPizzait doesnt vibrate

13:43Trishieyep

13:43TonicBHbesides that

13:43Trishieplus it would feel really good to the man and he'd have to do less work

13:43Trishieso he'd have more energy for more sex!

13:44TonicBHwould that really benefit men, though?

13:44Trishieyeah

13:44Trishiethe more you get off the lower your chances of prostate cancer are

13:45Trishiei've known many men who can't keep up with me

13:45Trishieso if my man had more energy from doing less work then we all win in the end

13:45Trishieplus the vibrating sensation feels really good to the man

13:48 *** Trishie is now known as DrTrishSexpert

13:49 *** Jacob is now known as HeadDesk

13:49TonicBHthat sounds... quite odd

13:49TonicBHespecially since you're sharing your sex life to internet anonymouses

13:49DrTrishSexpertthey make these sillicon cock rings that vibrate

13:49DrTrishSexperteveryone has a great time

13:49HeadDeskWelcome to the Trishernet

13:49DrTrishSexpertomg we need a trishernet!

13:49TonicBHheh

13:50DrTrishSexperti'm not sharing my sex life to anyone

13:50DrTrishSexperti just know a lot from observational and academic research

13:50TonicBHok

13:50DrTrishSexpertit's a pretty amazing subject, but it's so taboo

13:50DrTrishSexpertOMG NOOO ANYTHING BUT MISSIONARY IS BAD

13:51TonicBHI thought that saying that you know many men who couldn't keep up with you is basically explaining your sex life in some form, but then again I'm sleepy and stuff

13:51DrTrishSexperti have a friend whose husband only does missionary, she JUST got him to try doggy style

13:51TonicBHthe problem is finding a good enough position

13:51DrTrishSexpertoh please, that's not personal information

13:51DrTrishSexperteveryone knows i'm hypersexual as hell

13:51DrTrishSexpertit's the bipolar, which is why i'm single, because it's so horrible to be with me

13:52TonicBHhah

13:52DrTrishSexpertmissionary is never good enough.

13:52TonicBHthat's sad and amusing at the same time

13:52DrTrishSexpertyeah i think so too!

Crawling Towards the Sun (My Bastarized take on it.)
I dug this hole, trying to get to china
Thinking that I could make us whole
Somewhere near the center of the Earth we became stuck with the mole people
Tethered together we ran in opposite directions as we tried to escape
The ropes were too elastic and we bounced back to each other
The backs of our head smacking together and putting tiny cracks in our skulls
I tried to carry him on my back
Digging all the wile my hole to China
Never questioning the way he'd sabotage my tunnel
Rocks caving in, random fires
"This isn't working!" He screamed every few feet
Blinded by the mud in my eyes I begged him to give me a chance
One night in my sleep he cut the ropes free
He began to dig in another direction
To Antarctica or someplace else that was so cold
I cried that I could make it work
And then realized I'd done all the work all along
I sat on my knees and sobbed as he listed the things wrong with me
"You'll never get us to china, you cough too much from all the dust, and your diseased heart keeps us at far to slow a pace."
The shock set in as he walked away towards the place that is so cold
I tried to bury my head underneath the muck and rocks
Until the group of rabbits and beetles tended to my bruises and bloodied nose
A bee came and stung me hard on the neck
Out of love he stung me more and more
I thanked him for his honesty and got back to my feet
I retraced my footsteps and made friends with the mole people that tied that harsh-worded muse and myself together
He heard my feet in the mud as I walked boldly through my tunnel
"Squish, squish, squish"
Reaching out his hand, he pulled me so close that I could smell his skin
I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and began to squeeze
Until I felt his lasso tighten itself on my calves
From the corner of my eye a rabbit taught me how to jump
I ran as I lept from his bondage
"I'll always love you, but I can't keep carrying you down this hole -
You weigh me down and never say thanks."
"So goodbye, my love, goodbye goodbye."
Tears from that great Muse's face
He stood still and reached his hands towards me once more
Walking steadily backwards I reached extended my hands to his
"I love you, I love, you, I love you..."
I turned around and ran to the opening of my hole
A rope ladder hung loosely from the top
I began to climb as a strong wind knocked me into the walls of the pit
Roots and worms fell in clusters on my hair
Still, I dug my fingers into the muddy walls
Pushing with my feet, pulling with my hands
Dirty water in my shoes, mud under my nails and every line of my palms
Filth caked and dried on every inch of my flesh
And then as I pull myself closer to the top I see the great orange tiger, my beautiful spotted leopard, and the wolf-pack
Illuminated by the sun that beckoned me upwards
All waiting patiently for me to find myself again

I have so many things that I need to write about and express, but iTunes is stuck on a shuffle that is preventing me from getting into a good groove.  All I can think about is singing and dancing to Cry Me a River, which reminds me of something but oh well.  It’s my stupid ass fault for deciding to adjust the volume to the highest possible setting for EVERY track, all 4223 of them.  At least this is a good shuffle!  Johnny Cash!  Yes!

So, a lot of people are still asking me how I’m doing.  I’m alive and I guess that makes you happy.  Does it make me happy?  Somedays.  Certainly if I had worked up the courage for something a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have had the balls to message Adam.  It’s funny when my only option is suicide and I think "It would be nice to see how Adam is doing!  I want to know about NASA and the quazars!"  (Giant burning black holes make me SO hot!)  And aparently he knows little about them - ITs and Rocket Scientists are mortal enemies.  Apparently the RS’ are high strung and don’t know how to work their email or "World Wide Webs."  You give me 5 minutes alone with each of them and I’ll loosen them up, I tell you what.  U kno, u kno.

But, I digress.  So I messaged him and he made the horrible mistake of repling and eventually giving me his Myspace, which is now filled with seals, walrus, shark laughter, and alpacas that he MUST NOT FAP to. 

And of course there’s the matter of eveyone that I love going through what I went through almost exactly a year ago.  I can’t do that to people.  And then the irony is my mom always telling me not to live for other people. 

But, you know, I didn’t make it a secret.  I wasn’t crying for help when I told people how I felt (feel, to an extent); that everyone can walk away from this, even people who had previously claimed to be 100% comitted to me, but I can’t walk away from it.  It’s always here, staring me in the face.  Even now as I write this I contemplate the intensity of the subjectmatter and wonder if it would be so intense were I not bipolar.  Evem my therapist called me intense on Monday.  But then, would there be much subject matter were I not bipolar?  Who would I be?  Perhaps much more confident?  Thinner, much thinner, for sure.  Bipolar is a cancer on my self identity, leeching away the necessary blood vessles that I need to truely know myself and to truely become content. 

Basically, in a nutshell, and all eloquent and poetic phrasing aside - It really fucked with me when Dave left me listing Bipolar as one of the main reasons.  Really, really fucked with and just plain fucked me.  I felt like I had a partner, like I could get through this because I had someone from the ground holding my hand as I walked on a difficult and unsteady tightrope. But, apparently all I’ve actually got is a stick that I hold horizontally and excellent padding, should I fall onto my chest.  If I fall on my ass I’m screwed.  I wish my ass was more apple bottom.  DAMN THESE WHITE PEOPLE GENES! FILLING ME WITH FUCKING BIPOLAR DISORDER AND FLAT ASS DISEASE!!!!!!

So, okay, you can stop crying and worrying now.  OHMYGODTRISHPLZDON’TKILLURSELF!!!! THINK OF THE MUDKIPS!  THE MUDKIPS!!!!

That was me about a month ago.  Then Dave and I had a HUGE fight and by the end, when we made up, I really understand his need for self sufficency and him in general. 

Ahh yes, The Hush Sound!  You will help me write this! There is a reason why I titled this entry that which I did.  Dave and I still talk every day.  I’m glad.  I love him so much, regardless of our status. 

The night I messaged Adam was pretty signifigant for me.  That was the night we had that huge fight.  And in between crying I thought to myself, "What in the hell did you do before Dave?"  Because, let’s face it, I’ve always been pretty popular amongst my friends and cats.  And my mom has said once or twice that I’m pretty cool.  So I thought I wanted to take some control and see if something happy could happen.  So I stalked Adam on Facebook (I know, it’s so hard right?) and sent him the shortest message he’ll ever have the luxury of reciving from me.  I just really wanted something good to happen.  I didn’t know if he’d actually talk to me.  I was afraid he hated me.  Turns out he doesn’t, yet anyway.  How many alpacas can one man handle?  We’ll find out. 

Sometime that weekend I realized how happy I am to be alone.  It’s purifying.  I have no one to answer to, I don’t have to worry too much about offending someone to the point of argument, and I can talk about marrying whomever and as many people as I choose!  Which is good, seeing as The Dreaming is coming to DC in a month and... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Christopher.  Wait... what’s going on?  Am I having another awkaward sex dream?  Oh, I’m at work.  Right then. 

Also sometime that weekend another blast from the past shot me a line - Dave Cannady!  "Dave who?"  "Dude, you know, Cannady?? The big black guy with the dreds?? He has that band..." "OHH YEAH! I KNOW HIM, TRISH!" 

It’s really cool, apparently he really missed talking to me.  I have a lot of fun talking to him and I hope to hang out with him more often.  There was a bit of confusion between he and his gf, but I totally blame him because he is a) a man and b) AN ASSHOLE WHO FUCKING SOLD ME AN HP.  FUCK YOU, MAN, FUCK YOU.

So this is good because when Richard leaves me for Cali (he is planning to kidnap and hold hostage Jessie Macnartney and/or Aaron Carter until one or both of them agrees to marry him.)  Excuse me... He’s going to try looking at grad schools and get into music production.  (Kidnap/hostage/marriage to hot boy[s]).  Wait... I had a point.. WHEN MY RICHARD IS GONE I WILL NOT BE ALONE!!!!  Plus, Dying Design is fucking awesome!  Like I really respect Cannady as an artist moreso than most people.  His shit is good.  Richard can produce them.  I will get royalties for introducing them.  EVERYBODY IS WINNER!

So, along with coming to the conclusion that maybe it’s time I’m single for more than 6 months in these past 10 years (I wish I was kidding), I’ve also realized something else - there are a lot of people who really, really fucking love me.  Like a lot.  Which is really good, because I love them too.  When I think about certain people (it’s a large number) my chest becomes tight and I get butterflies just thinking about how much they mean to me.  It’s good to feel this way, really good.  But, I’ve also realized that I need to be really guarded.  Because, when I’m myself people get become hopelessly sucked into all that is Trish and her blonde, good natured, empathic ways.  And they love me.  They love me completely and unconditionally.  And they know that I have bipolar and it’s really ok!  She’s so much more than that!  Now, give it some time and they’re drained.  They want so badly to walk away and they can’t, out of guilt.  I can’t keep doing this to people.  I hurt people so badly without ever meaing to.  Isn’t it ironic, you know, that I am me, queen empathy, and yet I hurt people more often than I help them, I think anyway.  I don’t know, I obviously can’t tell you what you’re thinking.  But, I’m just very afraid of doing to other people what I’ve done to Dave.  I think the only two people who have really perfected what it means to be the best friend of someone with bipolar are Stef and Richard.  I was horrible to them, and yet here they are.  But, I just really need to keep my guard up.  And, more importantly, I need to learn how to deal with shit on my own.  I need to stop depeding on other people.  I want to become one of those super cool dudes who doesn’t open up much but is really super cool and well liked. 

I think if John and I don’t split a room in Philly to see Dana Snyder I’d like to try to spend a weekend at Stef’s sometime around the anaversery of the funeral.  I really miss the kids.  And I need to get drunk and show off scars with IDK, my BFF Stef??

I need to listen to something that’s not Magnolia (Hush Sound).  It’s a really fucking sad song about someone in the hospital.  It reminds me of watching someone die.  For 9 months.  God.

And now... We present you with Crawlin’ Towards the Sun!  Which, is what I am attempting to do lately!  I don’t want to feel like shit.  I don’t want to think the only reason I’m alive is because I’m terrified of botching a suicide and winding up in a coma or stuck in the hospital.  I thought it was funny that the lyrics to this song clicked with me and then Adam messaged me back.  Kind of corny, but I always nicked him as Apollo (which child of Lito does that make me?  If you don’t know then fuck you and take ARTEMISBEAR out of your five!) I think the recent reconnections with people from the past (a guy from my Phil 101 class imed me the other day and leaves me lots of comments on facebook! ) are symbolic as to what I need to do inside of myself.  No, not get more use out of my excellently priced Doc Johnson ($40 value for $18!! Thnxu Brianne for telling me about Drugstore.com!!!!!!!!!!)  While it’s sometime inside of me, um, I meant more along the lines of soul searching.  I need to get back in touch with my roots, with who I am as a person instead of who I am in a relationship.  Thusfar I have concluded I am funny as shit, have nice boobies, am pretty attractive with clothes on, sunburn easily, very intelligent, have nice boobies, easy to relate to, very insightful, and doesn’t afraid of anything!  And has nice boobies.  I’m sure you’re all curious about my hoar pics.  I put them up to prove to myself that I could do it.  My therapist said I was proving to myself that I have control over myself and my situation.  It’s so true too. 

I don’t want to be with anyone right now, and despite recent bouts of unbearable hypersexuality (see, Bipolar yet again!) I find it unwise to have any random hook ups.  Instead, if I want to be molested, I will go to a bar with Brianne so we can dance with a pole and she can grab my boobs, butt, and crotch.  And then leave me comments about how she misses "meaeknagingf out wtiht" me.  I feel horrible that she got dumped two weeks after I did for even stupider reasons.  (She’s shy and her puppy threw up on his rug).  But, I dunno, at least we have each other for support, since we’re almost in the same boat.  We need to go to a bar and go crazy again.  51 Peg is doing a show on the 31st that I may or may not be able to make. 

I really feel like I should give special eProps to my friends at ATC.  I really don’t know how I could have gotten through this with as few scrapes as I have without Andrea and Chiclo saying all the right things and Mike and John sitting around wishing they knew what to say.  Even Jacob was a big help.  I know Andrea has no idea why, but it really pushed me in the right way when he said he lost respect for me after seeing me completely break from all of this.  His saying that, I think, is one of those subtle wakeup calls that the universe gives us.  I’m slowly but efficently gluing myself back together.  It’s a never ending process, because I think there is a knee in my ass and an ear where my elbow ought to be.  On the plus side, these arm rests sound amazing! 

I really can’t tell you how much I love this song.  I’ll post the lyrics in a sec, but the chorus goes: "The shadows kept me hidden from the light that calls my name, all the creatures stood above me, now I’m crawlin towards the sun."  I think that’s so me.  I really realized how bad that relationship was for both of us, making us so dependent on each other.  I don’t think he ever loved me the same way that I loved him.  But, it’s ok.  Because I need to get out of the darkness and into the light because there’s creatures out there that I need to hug!  (Every day at the lake is a great struggle in which my head screams "MUST... NOT... HUG... DUCKS!") 

Hmm well I have sushi to eat and a math test to study for.  I think it is also important to point out that I may be back into my high school size soon.  By no means skinny, but, shit!  I think when I was with Dave I ate for two.  Now I just eat, sleep, and do everything for only me!  And it turns out, I don’t need that much!!! (Much to Adam’s surprise when I’m like "I GOT NEW SHOES." and he’s like "You’re always so happy over the little things!!!"  But, I think if we only wait for the amazing to happen in order to be happy, well, not much amazing stuff happens to me anyway.) 

Oh, but, yeah yeah don’t kill me, that also reminds me of something else.  I really appeaceate everythiing and everyone that I have.  So, thank you all for late night Skypes, drinking, saying horrible things to Stef’s kids, drinking, boobies, boobies, boobies, and OMG SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now:
Crawling Towards The Sun lyrics

Carousels make laps each night
Like drunks we spin until we’re sick
Creepy clowns from one horse towns
Can make their livings on a trick

Night covers all our tracks
To break some fragile backs
So we tell some lies
And then we hide from light

One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see

That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun

Candy lips that taste too sweet
Were sour in the summer heat
As the night fell I heard church bells
Say its time to leave

Out on the town we went
To carry out missions
Neither you or I
Would ever know sunlight

One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see

That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun

In the night light, we still shine bright (x4)

One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see

That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun

Tatas, my wonderfuls!!!!!!!!!!!